Change

Decision: A conclusion or judgment reached after consideration; The act of reaching a conclusion or of passing of judgment on an issue under consideration, Firmness of character or action; determination. 
  

Choice: The act of choosing; selection; The power, right, or liberty to choose, An option, An alternative.  
 

Our minds are incredible things. They have the power to influence our everyday actions and ultimately our lives.  

Our hearts are also strong and powerful pieces of our existence.   

Though we have found ourselves constantly having to come with the realisation that the two don’t often always have the best outcome when working together.   

Over the last two years I have come a long way. 



I have realised people cannot be trusted. I have learnt that certain individuals will ALWAYS put themselves before myself, no matter what stories they spin beforehand.   

I know now what I want in life and exactly how to get it.   

Things happen in our lives that will shock us out of our daily existence and in to an utter state of confusion, denial and pain.  

I have learnt to deal with these incidents and push through.  

I have learnt not to fall back on the “default” option of harming myself or planning my end, but to stick it out.   

No matter how painful, emotionally and physically, these events may be.   

Reading over this blog from the last four years shows me how far I have come.  

I was in a life controlling relationship. Forced to live out my days in complete denial, silence and hatred for myself, the world and the individual.  

It was not until I saw all sides of this relationship from outsiders that I came to realise how destructive it was.  

I learnt to speak up.  

My voice has been a valuable tool in the last twelve months.  

Saying what I think, what I believe and what I know has helped me achieve independence from a life I once knew.   

We all make choices every day. They can change the way we act, think and speak.  

However, decisions can be just as, if not, more important.  

They form the paths our lives take. Stupid decisions, uneducated decisions, brilliant decisions and inspired decisions.  

We’re guaranteed to make one if not all of these types of decisions many times in our lives.   
 
So, I am owning my decisions and sticking to my actions. 



I am living up to my own strong expectations. 



And making wise decisions which will frame my future for the better. 

Repeat. 

So once again I have a particular song on repeat. On my iPod. In my head. Constantly playing in my subconscious. 

Due to certain things that have occurred in my past few months of silence. 

And naturally, wherever I go, the song will appear in the background. 

Buskers in the street will perform it. Stores will play it to entice you. And the radio stations will put it on repeat to mull you into a calm mood when you’re none the wiser. 

Now I’ve always liked this particular song, it’s slow mellow piano chords, repetitive guitar pieces and a voice that speaks softly..sending shivers down my spine, reminding me of relationships and past events that I should really be forgetting. 

But once you’ve enjoyed a song for a period of time you start to get curious that there could be other versions you could be filling your ears with. 

So I searched. 

And found something that hit me so hard. 

 
A version that spoke to my current situation. Not in its entirety. But enough to bring me to tears. 
Particular parts speak to my past weeks like the vocalists have been watching me from afar. 

Every time their voices speak into my ears I shiver. Tears still fill my eyes. 

The tones are deafening but the silence I’ve been sitting with for the weeks beforehand is so much louder. 

I could turn it off. I could choose to listen to something else. I could do something else. 

But I don’t

The song is still on repeat. 



Little Lady, you’re trembling with fear
You’re skinny frame kinda resembles a deer 

You’re sitting facing the detective oh dear
The cop is trying to calm you, telling you he won’t let no one harm you
He’s talking to like your worth more than a dirty whore
You’re learning more about exactly why you need to help bring him or her to court
It’s kicking knowledge you ain’t ever heard before
Just before he leaves, he reassures you that he knows that it’s hard
He underlines a mobile number you can phone on his card
Begs you to use it


He’s useless if you’re gonna be stupid

It’s too cold outside,
For angels to fly…

L.

What is love?
What is life?
Does love equal life? Or does life equal love?

These are two things I struggle with on a daily basis. No, actually, a minute by minute basis.

I find myself in compromising situations where I am faced with the option of giving away love or losing life. Which is more important?
Without life there is no love.
Without love there is no life.

People drift in and out of my world and I find life again. Then it’s slowly sucked out by my lack of interest in said people and life all together.

When things seem perfect the nagging feeling that I don’t deserve life is constant. Failure is imminent.

Now, I could draw back on religion and the values I was taught as a child. But the events of the last ten years have tarnished that topic.
I could fall back on the advice given to me by past lovers. But we all know that was filled with lies of the purest form.

So I will keep trudging through my daily duties. Struggling and smiling.
Knowing that the end is soon.
Or so I like to think.

Revelation

I’m going to assume most of you are familiar with the quote…

“If it’s not on, It’s not on”

Basically referring to safe sex practices and responsibilities of either party.
Now, I was sitting with my thoughts the other day and that quote switched a little in my mind. Over and over again it repeated itself..

“If it’s not off, It’s not on”

No I’m not talking about contraception at this point..I’m talking about the background, method and choices of two sexual partners.
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you may notice I’ve had a pretty rough 18 months. Not going in to it too much but it revolves around relationships, decisions and being “the other woman”.

So this slightly changed phrase hit a chord. And as usual, I cried.

Girls, women, whoever…you need to ask yourself..tell yourself..
“If it’s not off, it’s not on”

I’m talking about the other person in your sexual adventures, their sexual escapades, their choices which ultimately affect you in this circumstance. Don’t be frightened to say it out loud. Don’t let yourself be pulled away in the moment.

I was challenged with this exact situation the other day.
I had the words “You know this is just a side thing, between us…I already have a girlfriend, so yeah” chucked in my face…
Yeah?! No. No it’s not okay. Women are not some toy to be played with whenever a man wants to be satisfied. Women have emotions, boundaries and choices too.
To me it doesn’t seem fair that one can ‘have his cake and eat it too’.

I have wasted the last 18 months wishing and desiring things I could not have, time that shouldn’t have been wasted if I’d only said
“If it’s not off, it’s not on”
I knew the consequences and his status before I dived into things. Yet I did not pull back. I played the game till I lost. We both lost.

So sit back and ask yourself
“What am I doing? What is my end game? Does this really have a point?”
Yes occasional ‘hook ups’ are sometimes needed these days, but right now I’m talking about the long term affairs.
The relationships that aren’t meant to be mentioned.
The secrets you keep hidden behind locked phone screens.
And the guilt that overrides your consciousness.

You have a purpose. I have a purpose. We are humans too.
And from now on I’m not going to let anyone decipher that in a way that pleasures them.

Choke.

Travel around with no purpose.
Pass out on the lounge from isolation.
Go to bed at sunset because of your lack of plans.
Pack your phone away as it will never ring.
Choke back tears in public.
Cry when it’s safe.
Always carry tissues and sunglasses.
Knock back invites.
Delete all contacts.
No one cares.
No one knows.
You’ll pass away in time.

Confusion.

I’m in darkness.
A constant state of confusion.
A desperate existence.
A state that hasn’t lasted this long in years.

In the end, everyone ends up alone.

The last year was the best year of my life and the worst year of my life.
I saw this coming.
I just didn’t prepare myself for the fall.
I didn’t realise it would hurt so bad.

I dream ahead to what I hope for and turn my back on loving you.

My mind goes back to New Year’s Eve.
I asked “What do you want to do this year?”
He replied “I want to do things I’ve never done before”
And with a wink and a smile it all began.

If I knew all about this one thing, wouldn’t that be something.

I know the reason. I know the details.
I can feel the pain. I can feel the hurt.
I know I can do nothing. I know he can do something.

At the start of his goodbye
Do you ever realise
That you never get the chance
All you get is alibis
When smoke begins to fade
And you’re standing face to face
Does he kiss you in a way to say:
“You’re the other woman”

Please.

Sparkling grey,
They’re my own veins.
Any more than a whisper,
Any sudden movement of my heart.
And I know, I know I’ll have to watch them pass away

Just get through this day

Give up your way, you could be anything,
Give up my way, and lose myself, not today
That’s too much guilt to pay

Sickened in the sun
You dare tell me you love me
But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die
Honey you know, you know I’d never hurt you that way

You’re just so pretty in your pain

Give up my way, and I could be anything
I’ll make my own way
Without your senseless hate… hate… hate… hate.

So run, run, run
And hate me, if it feels good.
I can’t hear your screams anymore

You lied to me
But I’m older now
And I’m not buying baby

Demanding my response
Don’t bother breaking the door down
I found my way out

And you’ll never hurt me again.